These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things - The Squatty Potty and the Bidet Attachment

FYI, from time to time I'll include links in a post that take you to whatever it is I'm talking about.  I may get compensated if you purchase something from clicking the link.  My blog is purely for my personal amusement, but if you make a purchase because of something I said, well, it's cool to get something back from the provider. 

Even though we may not know each other so well, let's talk about pooping.  We all 💩, so really there's no need to be shy, right? Right.

No one likes to spend a lot of time on the toilet.  (OK, TBH I have a relative who I swear spends 2 hours on the toilet twice a day.  I don't know what's going on for 2 hours but it can't be comfortable, can it? I mean, even if you're reading a good book surely there are more comfortable places for that. But I digress.) If you're spending a lot of time on the toilet there is something going wrong there. Really horrible things can happen - I mean, remember Gigi from The Sopranos??? (I still miss this, BTW.)  

Full disclosure: seven years ago I had cancer (that's a whole nother blog) and it was soooo not like the movies.  My hair didn't come out in clumps at the dinner table, I didn't lose weight, and I never barfed or even get nauseous (ok, I barfed once but that was from food poisoning while I was having radiation and I barfed and sharted at the same time which I think should get me some sort of trophy...but again, I digress).  What I did get was a horrid case of insomnia and constipation from the steroids. So yeah, I became a little obsessed with good pooping.

Enter the Squatty Potty.  Funny name, serious benefits. Basically, the Squatty Potty is a footstool for your toilet, and when you rest your feet on it your knees are raised so you're in a squatting position. I've got a friend who just stacks phone books (remember those?) on either side of her loo and it does the same thing, but somehow the stacking thing doesn't seem too stable and I don't want to get injured.

Anyhow, this is how the makers of the Squatty Potty illustrate why it's the best thing since sliced bread when it comes to pooping:

My beloved Squatty Potty

I am here to testify that this simple product is life-changing.  My business is incredibly efficient, no matter how little fiber I may be getting in my diet. I will confess, however, that as a short-legged person I have yet to find a graceful way to get into position particularly when I'm wearing leggings or tight jeans.  The Squatty Potty creates a 4-5 inch semicircle around the base of your toilet so I have three choices:

1. Stand in front of the SP, pull down my pants and kind of fall back on to the seat.  This is kind of scary because I don't like the falling sensation plus my aim is unreliable and I'm more likely than not to miss the bullseye and fall over and then who's around to call 911 because my dogs lack opposable thumbs?
2. Slide the SP forward into position, stand on the SP and pull my pants down and take a seat. I'm not sure what the weight limit is on the SP but I'm not taking any chances.  My level of gracefulness is somewhat less than the gazelle and I'm not interested in risking having my feet slip out from under me and falling backwards and cracking my skull on the tank. Again, my dogs lack opposable thumbs so there's no one to call an ambulance and there I'd lie with a cracked skull and my dogs would need to eat me and that's no good.
3. Straddle the combined toilet+SP, and maneuver my pants past the front of the seat without ripping any seams, have a seat and then slide the SP forward into position with my feet.

So yeah, I'm a straddler.  It's awkward, but the results are worthwhile.

Fun fact: for some cultures this squatting thing isn't as revelatory as it is in the US.  If you watched An Idiot Abroad on BBC (this was a hilarious reality show where Ricky Gervais sent a not-well-traveled friend to far-flung places to film this guy's bemusement upon encountering new cultures), there was one episode where Karl went to rural China and had a startled reaction to public toilets which are basically holes in the ground with foot pads on either side for positioning guidance.  And some villagers took their own chairs to the public toilet, marching down the street with their poop chairs with absolutely zero shame (Karl: "Look at him.  Everyone knows where he's going.").  Anyhow, it was hilarious. The whole series was hilarious but you can also find just that China episode which really was one of the funniest eps.  

And it's not just China.  A friend was on an international flight and went to the lav w.hich he thought was unoccupied because the door wasn't locked but when he opened the door there was a lady in a sari perched over the toilet like a gargoyle.

Moving on.

After a good 💩 you want to be all shiny and new.  What better way to get that feeling than a bidet!  I'll admit, traditional bidets confuse me.  Like, you're supposed to crab-walk from the toilet to the bidet? Why would you squirt water on your hiney when you've just used TP - you'll just need to dry yourself off and then you've got to crab-walk BACK to the toilet?  I just don't get the mechanics of that whole process.

Which is why I dig my bidet attachment so much! Instead of installing a whole second piece of porcelain furniture (and really, who has the space even to do that?  My master bath toilet is in, like, a closet) this is something you just attach to your existing toilet.  Or you have your handyman attach it.  I'm not mechanically inclined enough to tackle that.  

Anyhow, when you're done with your bidness you turn the knob on the attachment and you get a squirt of clean tank water just where you need it.  Voila - all shiny and new!  Just be careful to turn the knob slowly - it's a pretty powerful blast and no one's butt needs that much of a power washing.  I think.

I never - and I mean NEVER - turn the knob past the first dot.
I don't want to injure myself.
Yes, that's how powerful the blast can be

🎶 These are a few of my fav-o-rite things 🎶